Repost

There was a time in my life...when I had a lot of time on my hands.  During one of those times, I decided to write the most ridiculous thing I've ever written in the history of my entire life.  This was written 3 years ago, with minimal editing. I hope you enjoy:

----------------------

There’s a problem with which I’ve been struggling.  I'm assuming that most reading this would agree that English is God’s chosen language.  If you disagree, I ask you to stop reading and answer this question:  How exactly are you able to read this?
For the rest of us, it’s pretty much a given.  If you look to history you quickly see a conflict with this hallowed truth.  English doesn't appear in history until after the 1^st millennium A.D., and even then it's not the glorious English that God is currently bestowing upon us.  How, then, could English be God's chosen language?   How could a language be chosen of God when it didn’t even exist at the creation of his universe?
I began to ponder this enigma one cold night, with Swiss-cheese sandwich at one side and a pickle on another, when suddenly I was filled with mighty enlightenment, a vision, if you will.  That vision was:

THE GLORIOUS KNOWLEDGE VISION OF MATTHEW HICKMAN

A HISTORY OF LANGUAGE
by:  Matthew Hickman

When God created the world...the perfect world I should say, God blessed Adam and Eve with the  perfect language of English, and it was with this perfect language in the perfect world that they had perfect communion with The Perfect God.  See all those perfects in there?  See how they all seem to meld perfectly with one another?  That's because that's how God wanted it to be...perfect...in the beginning.  However, we all know how the story goes: Eve, tempted by the devil, ate the fruit, and then Adam, tempted by the evil woman, also ate of the fruit.  Good call, first two people ever.  That’s some bad news for humanity.
Due to the sin God cast them out of the Garden, and sin fell upon the world, and we all know that this brought the curse of death and so on and so forth.  However, God was a merciful God and allowed his creation to hold onto the language of English, being how incredible awesome it was.
Enter the Tower of Babel, you know, the story of how mankind, in it's pride, tried to build a tower to heaven.  Well, God wasn't going to have any of the pride stuff and he cast different languages to fall onto the people.  Humanity had a second chance and blew it, so God took the English language away from us. However, he still had a chosen people (the Jews) that needed to be set apart with an awesome language.  So, God took his second choice language, Hebrew, and gave it to the...Hebrews.  It also served as a punishment to the world because it's SO INCREDIBLY HARD TO UNDERSTAND, LEARN, GRASP IN ANY WAY OR FORM. 
So...God's people get Hebrew and the rest of the heathen have to do without.
Enter our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  What does he do?  Through his sacrifice to mankind he establishes foundations of the New Testament Church. 
...and no...this is not when mankind was given back English.  Just as God has trials and tribulations to test us and to try us or to prepare us, so to did he have to do so with language. 
Test 1:  Latin
We all know that the romance languages (aka ENGLISH)* have an origin in Latin.  Latin served as a type of "beginner's English" for the New Testament Church.  If we could handle Latin and not try to build a tower to Heaven again, we'd be able to get somewhere.  And guess what, Humanity?  We succeeded!
Test 1:  Latin:  PASSED A++
Test 2:  Old English
Now that we past the Latin test, God finally decided to reintroduce English to the population.  However, this was not English in its truest form.  Here we begin to see a progression of the English language.  I would say evolution, but as we all know that is an evil word.  As the population wrestled with the awesomeness that was English, God slowly added more and more to it, crafting it, molding it into the perfection that it once was.  God saw that mankind was ready for the real deal.  Good job, humanity, we're 2 for 2!!!

Test 2:  Old English: A++
Reward:  King James Version of the Bible
This culmination of trying and tribulations of English occurred in 1611, when the Kings James Version of the Bible was born.  Then, that was IT.  Complecimo.  Terminado.  Done.  English had reached its zenith, forever recorded for us in the KJV. 
But what about the other languages?  Well, there's a new character in the story capital S-A-T-AN
Satan. 
See, Satan is in the biz of corrupting things.  For example, look at Eve, Judas, Spiderman 3.  Language is no different. Satan got his nasty paws on it, and this is the result:
REALLY OLD LANGUAGES I DON'T KNOW THE NAME OF:
Now, we know that God created all the languages at the Tower of Babel, but that was the extent of his involvement there.  Satan got his hands on them and messed them up.  Basically, anciently speaking, anything that's not Hebrew is a corrupted form of Hebrew.  FACT.
Just look at today's Asian languages.  Take a glance at Japanese and tell me that there's no demonic influence.*
*won't believe it coming from a Japanese person.
LANGUAGES THAT HAVE A COMMON ANCESTRY IN LATIN:
As has been said, God gave us Latin as a precursor to English.  Now you might be wondering "But don't Spanish, German, Italian, French, and possibly even Russian have some type of root in Latin?"
Correct.** 
But...
When The Lord introduced Old English, there was no longer a purpose to protecting Latin, so Satan was allowed to have his way with it.  Don't believe me?  Just look at the countries who I will accredit as having birthed certain languages and see how their histories unfold:
French:  Obviously, from France.  They had a pretty good run with Napolean (sin is fun for a time) but he got smashed.  Then what happened?  The French got smashed all around the world and lost all of their territory.  Then, they got smashed in WWI and again in WWII.  Who saved them?  America.  What does America speak?  English.  If you learn how to speak French, you basically loose the capacity to fight.
Spanish:  Spanish es de Espana.  They, too, had a good run.  A pretty impressive empire spanning across the Atlantic.  They had the Inquisition going for them, they were apart of the Holy Roman Empire, things were awesome.  Then what happened?  Their mighty armada of ships got smashed by who? The English, that's who.  Then their territories rebelled and the lost them, and now Latin America hates Spain for speaking like idiots. Way to win out, Spain.
German:  Germany was never a great power, probably because they were too busy drinking, but that's a horrible national stereotype that I would never promote.***
***yes I would
Germany was dead center of the Holy Roman Empire, they were going pretty good just as all before them.  Then, they decided to go crazy and they tried to win Europe in WWI.  Did they suceed?  NO!  Because America, the English speaking country  defeated them.  Then they tried to go all World Empire on us in WWII, and again, America brought the rain.  Nice try Germany.
Italian:  One word:  Rome.  These kids had the Big Cheese, the Big Cahuna, the Big Daddy, the Bi...the Pope.  They were rockin' it out with their undeniable good cooking (gluttony is a deadly sin).  Of course, the Holy Roman Empire crumbled, and then Italy tried to put on its big-boy paints and teamed up with Germany to try and take over the world.  Who stopped them?  Britain and America.  What do they speak?  English.  Mamamia!  That's a spicy complete defeat. 
Russian:  Russia had a bad start.  They had their fancy Czars and whatnot, but then they got booted out and instead got anti-God. (communism)  What happened almost immediately?  Germany decided to crush them all the way to Moscow and berate them for most of WWII.  So why wasn't Germany able to take Moscow and crush Russia?  Because Russia was fighting on our side...the side of America...who speaks English.  Fighting for English (even though they didn't speak it) was enough residue holiness that they were able to withstand Germany. 
Then they got cocky.  They put a knife in our backs and tried to be a super-power.  How did that end?  Sure, they had a couple of space ventures here and there, but eventually their "awesome" economy started to collapse when our hockey team beat theirs in the 198? Olympics, and the USSR eventually crumbled on that fateful day in 1991.  That's what you get for turning your back on English, comrade.
ANY OTHER LANGUAGE THAT I AM NOT CURRENTLY ADDRESSING IN A SPECIFIC AND DIRECT MANNER. 
They all basically have the same story as the above languages.  Take a hint, Rest of the World. 
THUS ENDS THE GLORIOUS KNOWLEDGE VISION OF MATTHEW HICKMAN
For any of you that were having the same struggle as I was, I hope that this helps.  Mystery unraveled!!!

disclaimer:   Everything is pure knowledge vision, which means it should be upheld higher than any "information" you find at a "reliable resource."
*Some of you might read this and say "hey, dumbface mcgee, English isn't a romance language."  To this I say "Well, it must be a romance language because it's stolen my heart...
...and the heart of God.  Deal with it."
**Ok, so if your biggest problem with this article is that I complete disregard the difference between Germanic and Romance languages, I’m assuming you’re accepting the fact that God made English in the beginning.  Think about that for a while.